Thursday, 6 August 2009

The not-so-good life

It's time someone set you aside and told you a horrible, crushing truth that might unfortunately spoil your morning cup of tea, but it's ok because it had gone a bit cold anyway and the milk smelt a bit off. It is just an unpleasant fact for people like me that working adults, whether they've been to university or not themselves, hate students.

To them, we are the bottom feeding, slugs of society. They sit in their florescent offices brooding and imagining us subsisting on baked beans on toast, watching The Jeremy Kyle Show and spending our afternoons enjoying discounted activities all in the decadent pursuit of getting an education.

It is my experience, that upon asking for any kind of student discount or NHS freebie, I am met with the the sour, disapproving stare of someone who was raised solely on a diet of lemons and Harribo Tangfastics.

You want an NUS discount?

Well, I'm sorry I only have 50p a week to live off and would like some assistance living above the poverty level. Maybe you never went to university and instead straight into the satisfying and challenging world of retail management and secretarial work. Or maybe you did go to university back in the heady days before you had to chop off both limbs and deposit them in a box with 'TUITION FEES' hastily scribbled on it, before you could even so much as attend a lecture. Well in which case you never had to attend university as a financial amputee, with the knowledge that the only way to ever recover your limbs would be to work with a ball and chain around your neck for the next 50 years. In fact, I wish this wasn't only a metaphor, perhaps people would have a bit more sympathy for students if we were literally missing an arm and a leg.

Students are essentially glorified beggars, and begging would be a lot easier if I didn't have these damned limbs!

Also, hands up, working men and women: how many of you are secretly pleased that graduates are finding it impossible to find work in this current economic crisis? Come on, how many of you are rubbing your hands with smug glee? "Oh, you poor dears, you can't get a job. Oh, how terrible!" Yeah, my smooth, cellulite-free-arse do you care! Driving to work every morning all you can think about as you smugly hum along to inane pop songs on the radio, is how glad you are that no baby-face, middle class upstart is going to get that promotion ahead of you. Those of you who left school at fifteen and a half with more illegitimate children than GCSEs and are now bossing around shelf-stackers with an undeserved sense of accomplishment, are so glad they never wasted their time and money on further education. Oh, what suckers we are!

layabout scum!

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